Joy in the Growth

This is my fourth year of teaching. I had thought that by this point I would be doing many things for at least the fourth time. This year should have been my fourth open house and my fourth first day of school. I should be planning my fourth overnight camp and thinking about my fourth Christmas program.

Some of these fourths never came about because I switched grade levels. I only participated in two science fairs and wax museums because I was only in fourth grade for two years. Some of these fourths never came about because of logistics. I’m only on my second consecutive year in the same classroom because of enrollment numbers and teachers needing to switch rooms.

Today, though, I’m mourning the fourths (or thirds or even seconds) that never came about because of COVID-19.

Many fourths will not happen because of things that are no longer possible. I won’t see my fourth overnight camp or fourth games day because they aren’t really possible to pull off safely at this point. I know that safety is the highest priority, so I can mourn the loss of these fourths with the hope that people will be safe and healthy because of the change.

What’s getting to me this week is the overabundance of firsts. I knew that this year would not have very many fourths, but I could not have predicted how many firsts it would hold. This year was the first time I started the year online. It’s the first time I have taught with a mostly synchronous schedule, and it is the first time my students have been able to pick up papers weekly from the school office. I knew that the firsts would come, but I didn’t realize they would persist so far into August. Yesterday was the first time I taught my class from home. Today was the first time I had my students work in breakout groups on Zoom. It’s frustrating as a fourth year teacher to still be experiencing things for the first time.

Firsts are tricky because they are rife with errors. I had hoped by this point in my career to be mostly done with firsts. Firsts are painful and difficult, and they are often the worst that something will ever be. My challenge has been to see these firsts as joyful opportunities for growth instead of continued opportunities for failure. I know I am going to fail; that’s the nature of doing something for the first time. What I can control is my attitude towards the failure. This week, I am choosing to see my firsts for what they are: firsts. By the end of this week, I will make it to my fourth attempt at teaching from home and using breakout rooms, and my fourth attempts will be better than the first attempts. If I can keep the process in mind, I will be able to be joyful through the painful growth experience.